I’m Tired..

I’m tired.

Tired of being taken for granted every time I do something to make a friend feel special. But I still do it because I know what it’s like to feel worthless.

Tired of faking excitement when I’m not excited. But I still fake it because I used to be fascinated about everything.

Tired of being patient with those who do not deserve my patience. But I still stay patient anyways because I believe everyone deserves someone who waits on them.

Tired of holding in my anger and the words I really want to say. But I still hold it in because anger never solves anything.

Tired of being way too nice. But I stay kind anyways because no one deserves to be treated anything less.

Tired of trying to help those who don’t need my help. But I still try because I know what it’s like to silently cry behind closed doors, wishing someone would step out of their way and genuinely care.

Tired of helping those who ask for advice but never take it. But I still advise them because maybe one day they will listen, or realize that they never needed advice.

Tired of the assumptions that I live a worry-free life when everything right now has me hanging by a thread. But I let people assume because they never really cared to ask in the first place.

Tired of being the second priority and having plans get cancelled on me. But I still make plans because there are hopes that it will go through.

Tired of being the girl who always hides her problems and insecurities behind a smile and the sound of laughter. But I still hide them because I know people have other things to worry about.

Tired of keeping myself up at night, overthinking about every issue in my life. But I still overthink because I still have hope that one of these nights I will be able to solve all my problems.

Tired of telling my loved ones lies about how I am doing in life. But I still lie because I am afraid they will judge me.

Tired of being taken as a joke. But I still go along with it because people can’t seem to take me seriously anyways.

Tired of making jokes. But I still make them anyways because maybe laughing will help heal this old soul of mine.

Tired of being told that I am overreacting. But I still overreact because anxiety doesn’t subside if you tell it go away.

Tired of being told that going to college is the only way I’ll ever BE someone. But I still go because now I fear that if I don’t then I will never succeed.

Tired of being told to “stop acting as if something is wrong”. But I still do it because something really is wrong.

Tired of trying to talk about my problems to those who always compete with their own problems. But I still talk about it because it’s better than keeping it all in. Even if it means what I say doesn’t mean anything.

Tired of losing people that I am close with in life. But I accept it because no one stays forever.

Tired of overworking myself and exhausting myself. But I still overwork because I have to keep my mind off the stress.

Tired of crying. But I still cry because I get sick and weak if I don’t.

Tired of listening to the same old sad songs. But I still listen because it makes me feel like someone out there understands me.

Tired of reading daily quotes about depression. But I still read them because I know I am not alone.

Tired of being lonely. But I remain lonely because throughout my life loneliness has been inevitable.

Tired of telling people I’m tired, and then saying that I need to sleep. But I still do it because people will never understand.

How do I stop being so tired?

I don’t know..

But for now, I’ll do what always seems to solve our simple knowledge of ‘tired’. Sleep. Because in my dreams, I don’t have to worry about anything. I could do anything; I could BE anything- BE anyone. The monsters in my dreams, the nightmares, they don’t scare me as much as the monsters I see everyday in real life. The fake smiles, the people that don’t matter, don’t belong in my dream. Not only that, but in my dream…I am no longer tired. The willingness of everything listed above, all of a sudden becomes so easy. I no longer have to try so hard, to be someone that I am not. The time stops; correction, time doesn’t even exist. Rushing becomes a silly thing you do in a dream. Until I find a solution to all the things that make me tired, I’ll sleep. Because that is all that I am capable of doing for now. No one can help. No one wants to listen. So I’ll keep fighting for myself until the day I can finally get some rest. And wake up with nothing but peace. Until then..

Goodnight.

` Ka Lia

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