So you guys might be looking at my last post like “…yo is she aight?” (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, read it here)And in answer to that, yes I am fine. I just feel that it is necessary to voice out or write out when you are not feeling at your best. I know I stated in my Welcome blog post that my ideal goal with this blog was to make you all laugh with my silly stories. But I just wanna say it is necessary to express the way you feel when you can. Don’t be like me, who holds all of her anger and feelings inside. It’s not healthy ahaha (it’s not funny).
But going off of that I guess I owe you all an explanation as to why I wrote it in the first place.
Second semester just started and to be honest, I haven’t been having the best semester. I have been having a lot of doubts. I just recently left a job that I pretty much really needed in order to pay off my rent and bills. I just had an interview with another job last week and I am really hoping that they hire me, but heaven knows what I’ll do after I get hired right? Also, I have been dropping and adding a lot of courses that I signed up for and a lot of them were General Education classes that are required. I don’t know about many of you, but that is like High School all over again. I wanted to vary my schedule so I could fit classes that interested ME. But all those courses were either full, required you to be a certain major, etc. So I got stuck with sucky classes that I for one, do not like at all. (I managed to get a seat in Songwriting, so let’s hope it goes well). So now I am pretty much feeling discouraged. I am in a position where I have no clue if continuing college is an option for me, considering I have no interest in any major that they offer. Well, I guess one option for me is to transfer schools, but I have no clue what I want to do for the rest of my life because I want to do so much!! Just to give you guys a little spiel on what I mean by that, these are some things that I have in mind:
- Major in Communications with an Emphasis in Public Relations. Minor in Business (or Vice Versa).
- I have always had a dream since I was a kid to own my own cafe or coffee shop. I wanted to sell coffee, bubble tea, pastries, snacks from abroad, etc.
- Major in Music.
- The only class I really enjoyed throughout Elementary, Middle School, and High School. The only class I was good at too. Considering I play a lot of instruments (Violin, Guitar, Piano, a little bit of Cello, and singing).
- Major in Photography.
- I have always been amazed by photography. You ever just catch yourself staring at a photo in awe like “Dang…that is hella amazing”. I wanna be the reason why people go “DANG”. I wanna give them a reason….it’s so inspiring.
- Major in Fashion/Design.
- I like fashion. And I like designing. But I don’t have enough passion for it.
- Major in Dancing.
- I have been dancing my whole life and I really wanted to open my own dance studio. Nothing like Ballet or Jazz (Not hating. I love all dance styles). But more towards Hip Hop.
- Major in Culinary
- I love food. And cooking.
- I want to Model. Which is not a major at all from where I am. Either way I’m too short lol.
See what I mean?? I want to do so much in life! I’ve always had this thought in the back of my mind “What if I don’t need to go to college for all of this?” For example, I could travel to different countries and learn their cuisine. Their traditional dance, their customs. Their music, their style of clothing! I never really like a classroom setting, so the thought of traveling and just doing everything on my own just sounds much more memorable. The world of learning is so vast, IT’S HUGE! So why limit myself to a class with 85 other people? I’m sure many of you may have it different. Some of you might be judging me like
“Uh. This girl needs help.” I agree I do. But, think about it. For those of you who plan on doing something in the medical field or science, etc then yeah, of course you’ll need that degree. But if you’re like me, why pay $4,000 a semester stuck in ONE city when you can be making much more use of that money, in many different cities? I know education is something that is always pushed on us as kids and teenagers. I know the importance of education, and I always push the importance of it onto others as well but.. I would prefer learning about the Great Wall of China while ON it rather than seeing a photo of it in class and learning about it. Then again, this is just my opinion.
I feel like I might have switched the topic a little, ahaha so bear with me.
Anyway, that is part of the reason why I am stressed out with the beginning of this semester. I am so tired of being stuck in one place. The only other states that I have traveled to are Minnesota and Illinois. I have been contemplating dropping out to do something that I really want to do. Or I could finish with my associates and call it good. Which would require just one more semester after this one (I would assume so). Also, when I stress and overthink one thing, it leads to me stressing and overthinking other things as well. With all of it together it just creates this whole pile of disaster that I’ve created for myself. From friends to family and society I find myself unable to settle with anything that I love to do in life. This all led to depression, anxiety, insomnia. Heck, I don’t know how bad it is but all I know is that it’s something I can barely handle. Surprisingly though, I am doing pretty well on my own.
Another thing that led me to that post was, the end of last year was not the best ending. Neither was the beginning of 2017. I had a lot of friends that stressed me out because they were dealing with problems they wouldn’t tell me. I was also the last to know anything within the group of friends. I offered to help and listen but in the end got yelled at for being too nosy. I had some ask me for advice and did the total opposite of what I said and got mad when I told them ‘What’d I say?”. I mean, probably not the best way to tell them you were right. But it’s not only recently that these events have occurred. I’ve had similar situations over the past couple of years. You would expect me to get used to it but it just ends up eating you up alive. Like sorry I cared so much?? You would least expect people to get mad at you when you show that you actually care. I felt like a nuisance.
I have lost many friends over the years and realized that it was probably for the best. You wouldn’t really wanna stay friends with someone who always posts “I need (new) friends”. I have also realized over the years that my tolerance and kindness was starting to slowly go down. I found myself getting angry at the little things, rolling my eyes, holding my breath so I could hide my anger. I was walking away from situations that usually could be resolved with a third party opinion. Growing up I was the girl that hated miscommunication and always liked to resolve issues, until I realized that people didn’t like their issues being solved. They really wanted the drama. So now I let people be dramatic, and honestly it’s kinda fun sitting back for once.
So there is that. What led to me being so tired of everything. School itself is just stressing me out and giving me headaches and such like it does to everyone. Friends and Family. The small stuff.
So no worries. Nothing bad will happen to me. I’m sure my parents wouldn’t be too happy to know that their daughter is feeling this way. But since I am able to express it out to you guys here, it helps a little more knowing someone out there is reading my thoughts.
Before I end it here, just a note to those who are viewing and are feeling similar or down:
Don’t ever give up and keep fighting! Things may get a little rocky, and to be honest may get even more rockier. But the fight you are dealing with now is only preparing you for the bigger battle. So stay strong. Keep your head up. You as a person will make a difference, if not big for the world to see, big enough for those that are around you. Stay colorful in times of grey.
Thanks a lot to those of you who are viewing (:
` Ka Lia ♥